I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
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Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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