Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
there is glitter all over my balls
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
