...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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