Don't make out with my wife yet
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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