The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
