Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
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