he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
