i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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