I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
how drunk are you?
Several
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
