Its about making memories worth repressing
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
