This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
