well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He better not be in your backpack
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
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