The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
