Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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