im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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