guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
