Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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