apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
