I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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