He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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