the condom got lost in my hair
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
