Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
wow bdsm is so cute
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
