She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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