fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
