I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
