god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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