i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
