i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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