We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
