Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
