she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
