I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
