I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
