i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
