An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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