So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
