I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
