new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
