my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
