If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
