So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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