My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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