Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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