Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I will pee on everything he values.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
