my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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