i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
