So drunk, too bad you don't want this
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
