You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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