I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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