No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
