dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
