apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
